This is the first in a series on attending a wedding when you are almost 40. Most people go to a ton of weddings when they are in the 28-32 age range. This year we’ve randomly been invited to several weddings. The wedding attending experience is a bit different when you are 10 years older!
6:45AM: wake up to your 2 1/2 year old telling your husband that she’s “poopied.” Pretend to be asleep until the diaper is changed.
7:15AM: breakfast, coffee, Wild Kratts.
8:15AM: converse by text with your friend in Cleveland. She advises that it snowed three inches there. Worry about the roads. Text husband and ask him to remind you about the Lake Effect.
9:45AM: run to Kohl’s to purchase wedding appropriate clothes for your husband, who hasn’t gone shopping for clothes for himself since Obama’s first term. While you’re there, consider picking up a replacement wedding card because the cat knocked water over the first one but ultimately decide it’s “not too warped.” Also purchase a weird cape thing that’s on sale and may or may not make you look like Joan Crawford, along with an assortment of lip glosses, thinking “this might keep them entertained.” Take children to the liquor store to purchase wine for the friend who will be watching them tonight; yell continually at the younger one to “NOT TOUCH ANYTHING NOT EVEN THE PINK ONE.”
11AM: ballet for the older one. Speak to husband about transportation options, realize you don’t actually know where the wedding is. Permit the younger one to select three of the lip glosses and watch her entertain herself with them for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. Determine this is the best purchase you have ever made.
12:15PM: take the children to a brewery for lunch. Order a beer and the cheese plate, pretend you are British. Children continue to apply lip gloss at will. Ultimately stop paying attention to what or whether they are eating.
1:15PM: return home, make the older one read to the younger one to get her ready for nap. Learn that Outlander is available On Demand; consider watching it all afternoon.
1:40PM: after a Herculean 25 minutes of self-control, decide to watch the first episode of Outlander. The older one joins you; you explain the concept of time-travel what “Scotland” is.
2:45PM: playing, cleaning, packing.
3:35PM: start to put on Spanx.
3:45PM: finish putting on Spanx. Assemble the rest of your outfit. Ask children for their opinion. They have no opinion. The younger one applies lip gloss to your leg. You are fine with this. Put lipstick in purse to apply after the children are gone so they don’t ask to use your lipstick to make themselves look like clowns.
4PM: husband arrives home from work. Yell at everyone to put their shoes on. Confirm he likes his new outfit; feverishly iron it. Yell again about the shoes.
5PM: Drop the children off with a friend for a sleepover.
5:30PM: arrive at wedding, which actually occurred at 4:30. Greet bride; fail to mention your lack of attendance at the actual wedding. She looks gorgeous.
5:45PM: ask for white wine and feel morally superior when the bartender asks if you want chardonnay or white zinfandel. Chat with friends.
6PM: talk to two people with whom you played sports during the period of 2004-2009 but have not seen since then. At your table, discuss how long everyone has known each other. Feel old.
6:30PM: toasts, dinner, cookie table, special dances.
7:15PM: have a conversation with your friends at the table about the social etiquette of vaping at a table full of strangers.
8PM: dance with people you sort of know to the songs that are played at weddings.
8:30PM: slow dance with husband. Realize you may be the only person at the wedding other than the bride and groom who is familiar with the Pogues’ “Love You Till The End.” Feel morally superior.
8:45PM: during the “a little bit softer now” part of “Shout,” have an actual conversation with people squatting five inches off the floor about how everyone’s knees are going to give out. Feel proud that you were able to keep your shoes on the whole evening, but also like your knees might give out.
9:45PM: notice husband is falling asleep. Decide to leave.
10:20PM: arrive home
10:20PM and one second: remove Spanx.